Thank you for writing about this. Many capable women also experience coercive control. You might not know they have this going on, because they manage it and everything looks fine from the outside. You wouldn't suspect it because they don't portray the image of a victim. They might not seek help because they identify themselves as a capable person.
This is such an important addition Helen because I think there is a very real and damaging paradox sitting inside what you’ve described. The more capable she is, the more capable she may also become at adapting herself around the coercive control and therefore the less visible it becomes to everyone around her, potentially including herself.
She manages his moods, anticipates his reactions, learns which subjects to avoid, works out how and when to raise things, takes responsibility for keeping the peace and quietly becomes extraordinarily skilled at preventing situations from escalating, all whilst continuing to work, parent, organise, socialise and present to the outside world as the highly capable woman she has always understood herself to be.
From the outside she looks like she's coping brilliantly because, in many ways, she is and that's what makes your point about not identifying with the image of a victim so important. If her understanding of someone experiencing coercive control is a woman who appears frightened, powerless or unable to cope, what happens when she looks in the mirror and sees someone successful, intelligent, independent and highly capable?
Perhaps she doesn't think, “I'm being controlled" but rather “I know how to manage him.”
I wonder whether that distinction keeps far more women trapped in damaging relationships than we realise because becoming exceptionally good at navigating someone else's behaviour can feel like capability when what she's actually become exceptionally good at is adaptation.
The question I increasingly find myself asking isn't simply “Why doesn't she leave?”, it's “What has she had to become exceptionally good at in order to stay?”
What resonated most with me about this is understanding that I am not alone with these feelings- there is an entire MOVEMENT of women going through this exact situation with me. Thank you.
The line that stays with me: functioning is not the same thing as wellbeing.
What makes this so hard to catch is that capable women use their own competence as evidence that they're fine. The output stays intact long after the internal state has started to erode which means by the time it's visible, the deficit is already significant.
The body kept the score quietly for months before anyone noticed, including her.
This is why I could no longer continue teaching theatre. The constant vigilance for 10-12 hours a day, remembering each level’s learning objective, differentiating instruction, remembering it’s Suzy’s birthday and that I need to get Rebecca’s dress size before 6th period so I could order costumes. And that was a day with no fire drills, no screaming in the hallway, no extra duties. I still came home to papers to grade and a prop to paint.
My dad used to tell me I was the hardest working person he knew. I don’t think he realized I didn’t have a choice.
Wow, this post really resonated with me! I am thankfully in burnout recovery now, but it took me a long time (and a 'wake up' visit with my doctor) to even accept that I needed it!
What a fascinating piece this was to read and it had this line in it that jumped out at me:
“She had become exceptionally good at coping.”
I wonder how many incredibly capable, intelligent and amazing women are being congratulated for precisely the thing that's slowly exhausting them?
There was another line that particularly resonated because it connects so closely with something I've been exploring in my own work:
“Eventually these adaptations become so familiar they feel like personality.”
I've heard women describe themselves as worriers, planners, organisers, people pleasers, perfectionists, control freaks or simply someone who “likes everyone to just get on” and increasingly I find myself wondering how much of what we eventually call personality began as adaptation to the environment we found ourselves living in.
Your piece also left me with another question though:
Why did she have to become so exceptionally good at coping in the first place?
You see, whilst I completely agree that women, as indeed do we all, need opportunities to recover, regulate and reclaim their capacity, I worry that if we're not careful we accidentally give already overloaded women yet another responsibility to become good at.
Now she has to remember everybody's appointments, anticipate everybody's needs, manage the emotional temperature at home, perform professionally, keep everything moving and remember to regulate her nervous system properly while she's doing it.
At some point surely we also have to look at everybody standing around this extraordinarily capable woman and ask why she's carrying so much that she needs to become an expert in recovering from it?
As a man, that's the part I particularly want to encourage us to look at because perhaps one of the most useful things we can do for an exhausted woman isn't tell her how to become more resilient, regulate herself better or find five minutes to breathe, it’s to look at what she's carrying, recognise which bits should have been ours all along and take them from her without waiting to be asked…or receive an Oscar nomination of gratitude for doing so!
Surely the ultimate goal isn't helping women become better at surviving lives that are exhausting them, it's changing the conditions that required them to become so bloody good at coping in the first place.
I can relate to this so much. Always 'on' always having something that needs my attention. I am leaning into being more and less doing - not something I find easy though. I can feel my body needs it
I have fully burned out before and felt I was managing things so much better now, but your thoughts have me questioning if I just reached a better level of ignorance of self to delay the symptoms. Going to have to sit with this and my layers and layers of responsibility. There is basically no one in my life truly more responsible than me, it's rare I get to be the passenger princess. Probably not a great sign! Thank you!!
So often women are shamed into pushing through, to f' your feelings and keep hustling then we wonder why so many women are becoming sick, literally their bodies are screaming which is the final signal of not living a life aligned with who we are.
I have coached exec women for years and wrongly guided them to take care of what I thought was burnout. Turns out most of them were going through a difficult perimenopause... A lot of symptoms are similar for both.
Thanks for openly talking about this. I have gone through burnout several times and the main reason I built my app, MillionVibe for women founders. And then I also went through postpartum depression, so I started writing about it, because I know an app will not be available to help that horrible situation
Thank you for writing this and providing this perspective. I’ve often been told I’m too independent or overly independent. A lot of that is because I have had to be because there is no one else to do what needs to be done or make the decision needing to be made. I’m slowly learning to regulate my nervous system and letting these be. Very thoughtful piece. Thank you!
High functioning women are too good at masking-just like everything else they set their mind to.
Very true and beautifully put
Thank you for writing about this. Many capable women also experience coercive control. You might not know they have this going on, because they manage it and everything looks fine from the outside. You wouldn't suspect it because they don't portray the image of a victim. They might not seek help because they identify themselves as a capable person.
This is such an important addition Helen because I think there is a very real and damaging paradox sitting inside what you’ve described. The more capable she is, the more capable she may also become at adapting herself around the coercive control and therefore the less visible it becomes to everyone around her, potentially including herself.
She manages his moods, anticipates his reactions, learns which subjects to avoid, works out how and when to raise things, takes responsibility for keeping the peace and quietly becomes extraordinarily skilled at preventing situations from escalating, all whilst continuing to work, parent, organise, socialise and present to the outside world as the highly capable woman she has always understood herself to be.
From the outside she looks like she's coping brilliantly because, in many ways, she is and that's what makes your point about not identifying with the image of a victim so important. If her understanding of someone experiencing coercive control is a woman who appears frightened, powerless or unable to cope, what happens when she looks in the mirror and sees someone successful, intelligent, independent and highly capable?
Perhaps she doesn't think, “I'm being controlled" but rather “I know how to manage him.”
I wonder whether that distinction keeps far more women trapped in damaging relationships than we realise because becoming exceptionally good at navigating someone else's behaviour can feel like capability when what she's actually become exceptionally good at is adaptation.
The question I increasingly find myself asking isn't simply “Why doesn't she leave?”, it's “What has she had to become exceptionally good at in order to stay?”
What resonated most with me about this is understanding that I am not alone with these feelings- there is an entire MOVEMENT of women going through this exact situation with me. Thank you.
The line that stays with me: functioning is not the same thing as wellbeing.
What makes this so hard to catch is that capable women use their own competence as evidence that they're fine. The output stays intact long after the internal state has started to erode which means by the time it's visible, the deficit is already significant.
The body kept the score quietly for months before anyone noticed, including her.
This is why I could no longer continue teaching theatre. The constant vigilance for 10-12 hours a day, remembering each level’s learning objective, differentiating instruction, remembering it’s Suzy’s birthday and that I need to get Rebecca’s dress size before 6th period so I could order costumes. And that was a day with no fire drills, no screaming in the hallway, no extra duties. I still came home to papers to grade and a prop to paint.
My dad used to tell me I was the hardest working person he knew. I don’t think he realized I didn’t have a choice.
Wow, this post really resonated with me! I am thankfully in burnout recovery now, but it took me a long time (and a 'wake up' visit with my doctor) to even accept that I needed it!
What a fascinating piece this was to read and it had this line in it that jumped out at me:
“She had become exceptionally good at coping.”
I wonder how many incredibly capable, intelligent and amazing women are being congratulated for precisely the thing that's slowly exhausting them?
There was another line that particularly resonated because it connects so closely with something I've been exploring in my own work:
“Eventually these adaptations become so familiar they feel like personality.”
I've heard women describe themselves as worriers, planners, organisers, people pleasers, perfectionists, control freaks or simply someone who “likes everyone to just get on” and increasingly I find myself wondering how much of what we eventually call personality began as adaptation to the environment we found ourselves living in.
Your piece also left me with another question though:
Why did she have to become so exceptionally good at coping in the first place?
You see, whilst I completely agree that women, as indeed do we all, need opportunities to recover, regulate and reclaim their capacity, I worry that if we're not careful we accidentally give already overloaded women yet another responsibility to become good at.
Now she has to remember everybody's appointments, anticipate everybody's needs, manage the emotional temperature at home, perform professionally, keep everything moving and remember to regulate her nervous system properly while she's doing it.
At some point surely we also have to look at everybody standing around this extraordinarily capable woman and ask why she's carrying so much that she needs to become an expert in recovering from it?
As a man, that's the part I particularly want to encourage us to look at because perhaps one of the most useful things we can do for an exhausted woman isn't tell her how to become more resilient, regulate herself better or find five minutes to breathe, it’s to look at what she's carrying, recognise which bits should have been ours all along and take them from her without waiting to be asked…or receive an Oscar nomination of gratitude for doing so!
Surely the ultimate goal isn't helping women become better at surviving lives that are exhausting them, it's changing the conditions that required them to become so bloody good at coping in the first place.
I can relate to this so much. Always 'on' always having something that needs my attention. I am leaning into being more and less doing - not something I find easy though. I can feel my body needs it
I have fully burned out before and felt I was managing things so much better now, but your thoughts have me questioning if I just reached a better level of ignorance of self to delay the symptoms. Going to have to sit with this and my layers and layers of responsibility. There is basically no one in my life truly more responsible than me, it's rare I get to be the passenger princess. Probably not a great sign! Thank you!!
I was only managed to recognise my burnout after I needed emergency surgery because without it I nearly died.
So often women are shamed into pushing through, to f' your feelings and keep hustling then we wonder why so many women are becoming sick, literally their bodies are screaming which is the final signal of not living a life aligned with who we are.
It’s not the exhaustion - it’s what it steals! Spot on!
I have coached exec women for years and wrongly guided them to take care of what I thought was burnout. Turns out most of them were going through a difficult perimenopause... A lot of symptoms are similar for both.
Because to notice it you have to stop. And we usually don’t!
Thanks for openly talking about this. I have gone through burnout several times and the main reason I built my app, MillionVibe for women founders. And then I also went through postpartum depression, so I started writing about it, because I know an app will not be available to help that horrible situation
Thank you for writing this and providing this perspective. I’ve often been told I’m too independent or overly independent. A lot of that is because I have had to be because there is no one else to do what needs to be done or make the decision needing to be made. I’m slowly learning to regulate my nervous system and letting these be. Very thoughtful piece. Thank you!