I am 60 and was taught that getting married and having babies was central to my life. One horrible marriage, and then my 30s pining for a man took up so much energy. I am married again to the father of the child whom I conceived accidentally (thank you, mojitos), but have not put the husband as the centre of my life. He is a support character while I live the life I want.
I tell my nieces that not being married is wonderful, and if they want children, they can do it on their own. If they meet a man, he has to be everything that adds value to their life. I raise my son to understand that he should be supportive of his girlfriends and their life, and that is how he will find real happiness. As a woman who is supported, he will give her everything.
It's easier for young women to be single now so it's easier to decentralize men.
When I grew up, no one's parents were divorced. When my daughter grew up, practically everyone's parents were divorced. It's become normal.
A friend of mine's parents divorced in the late 70s. From that moment, his mum wasn't invited anywhere. No coffees, no shopping trips with friends, no lunches, no dinner parties. Because it was so unusual to be divorced, the other women were afraid she'd either steal their husbands or have an affair with them.
Now young women have economic independence, why should they put their boyfriends at the center of their lives?
Exactly my childhood was similar but also very chaotic my mother couldn't leave because where could she have gone? who would've taken her and her 3 kids in? to be shunned & shamed by the community
Have to admit, saying "Finding a loving and healthy partner is something to be proud of" sounds like the opposite of decentering men. You're still framing it as some kind of desirable accomplishment for women, even if you say other paths are fine too.
I’d argue that it isn’t being selfish or even self-centered (though I prefer that over the other). I think what we are seeing is self-realization. A movement of self-awareness and the realization that women have the right to carve their own path, not trail along behind a man. That doesn’t have to mean men don’t exist or that they are somehow othered.
My wife and I are relationship focused not individual focused. When we make decisions it is based on the simple question - “what does this do for our relationship”.
Neither of us leads or follows. She is a strong independent woman, she could live quite well without a man, but I am not decentered. I am part of the whole.
I am 60 and was taught that getting married and having babies was central to my life. One horrible marriage, and then my 30s pining for a man took up so much energy. I am married again to the father of the child whom I conceived accidentally (thank you, mojitos), but have not put the husband as the centre of my life. He is a support character while I live the life I want.
I tell my nieces that not being married is wonderful, and if they want children, they can do it on their own. If they meet a man, he has to be everything that adds value to their life. I raise my son to understand that he should be supportive of his girlfriends and their life, and that is how he will find real happiness. As a woman who is supported, he will give her everything.
Yes! and this is how we banish good girl culture and make men allies not adversaries
I said no to an arranged marriage at 16.
Im the daughter of immigrants a first generation born Brit. By saying no to an arranged marriage I broke the rules.
Bought my first home at 23 when my friends were taking out joint mortgages with their boyfriends I chose to fly solo.
At 36 I chose not to have kids I've been financially independent since I was 19, Im now 56.
And have lived a life of NO REGRETS. I have friends who are in toxic marriages.
I totally advocate for women being "selfish" Check out my Substack - to have control over their lives, choices and purse strings
It's easier for young women to be single now so it's easier to decentralize men.
When I grew up, no one's parents were divorced. When my daughter grew up, practically everyone's parents were divorced. It's become normal.
A friend of mine's parents divorced in the late 70s. From that moment, his mum wasn't invited anywhere. No coffees, no shopping trips with friends, no lunches, no dinner parties. Because it was so unusual to be divorced, the other women were afraid she'd either steal their husbands or have an affair with them.
Now young women have economic independence, why should they put their boyfriends at the center of their lives?
Exactly my childhood was similar but also very chaotic my mother couldn't leave because where could she have gone? who would've taken her and her 3 kids in? to be shunned & shamed by the community
Many women were trapped in marriages they didn't want until so recently. Hopefully, from now on they won't need to be.
Love this!
I also took that article from Chanté Joseph and added a few thoughts to it.
https://thestylemyndedit.substack.com/p/unseen-but-still-mine-why-were-hiding
Have to admit, saying "Finding a loving and healthy partner is something to be proud of" sounds like the opposite of decentering men. You're still framing it as some kind of desirable accomplishment for women, even if you say other paths are fine too.
I’d argue that it isn’t being selfish or even self-centered (though I prefer that over the other). I think what we are seeing is self-realization. A movement of self-awareness and the realization that women have the right to carve their own path, not trail along behind a man. That doesn’t have to mean men don’t exist or that they are somehow othered.
My wife and I are relationship focused not individual focused. When we make decisions it is based on the simple question - “what does this do for our relationship”.
Neither of us leads or follows. She is a strong independent woman, she could live quite well without a man, but I am not decentered. I am part of the whole.