The rise of the self-centred woman
If having a boyfriend is now embarrassing, where does that leave women?
By Caroline Millington, Editorial Director and author
Recently, British Vogue’s article ‘Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?’ went viral and was published worldwide across the Conde Nast portfolio in multiple languages, sparking debate globally.
Writer Chante Joseph brilliantly explored why boyfriends are no longer being spotlighted on women’s social media - hard launching new relationships on the grid is quite literally no longer in vogue - and moots the notion that decentering men across social media is now the norm. “Being partnered doesn’t affirm your womanhood anymore; it is no longer considered an achievement and, if anything, it’s become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single. As straight women, we’re confronting something that every other sexuality has had to contend with: a politicisation of our identity,” she states.
So is having a boyfriend embarrassing now? I’d argue no. Finding a loving and healthy partner is something to be proud of, albeit just one of many paths to personal fulfilment.
But the shift in women choosing to define themselves beyond our relationship status means many hetero women are no longer parading the usual couple wins on social media to build kudos and focusing on their personal story telling instead.
Women are now writing their stand-alone narrative with any partner playing a supporting role. And in 2025 it’s clear women have got comfortable - and embraced - being the main character in their own lives.
Writer Sherese (Charlie) Taylor, coined the phrase “decentering men” in her 2019 book of the same name and encourages the art of being selfish. It’s something I wrote about in my book Kindfulness in 2018 with contributor Mary Meadows, Performance Life Coach & NLP practitioner, explaining, “The most important relationship we have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves. This isn’t stuff they teach you at school - yet - and most of our parents only taught us about how to handle relationships with others. I’m yet to meet a woman whose mother taught her how to love themselves first.” Camilla Sacre-Dallerup, life coach, hypnotherapist and best-selling author of Reinvent Me, also wrote in Kindfulness, “I’ve come to prioritize being kind to myself over many things in life, simply because when I take care of myself it improves not just my own life but the people around me too.”
Being selfish is defined as ‘lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure’.
But words and phrases which mean the same as ‘selfish’ include ‘self-loving’ and ‘inward-looking’ which sound pretty good to me. And if women are now decentering men, then we’re evolving to be more self-centred: ‘only interested in yourself and your own activities’ - but also ‘independent of outside force or influence: self-sufficient’.
Self-centred women: independent, self-reliant, self-sustaining.
I believe it is possible to be self-centred - building a life where you put your own oxygen mask on before helping others, to seek validation from within and not others’ opinions, and focus on your own joy while on a mission to make others happy too - without the negative associations, such as being self-absorbed, entitled, and prone to humble brags and projection.
Being self-centred and compassionate towards others are not mutually exclusive.
Related articles
In The Female Lead (Vol II): We Rise By Lifting Others, activist and presenter Katie Piper says, “My belief is that as a woman it’s very important to be independent. I want my girls [daughters] not to have to rely on other people to feel complete – so that anyone who comes into their life is a welcome addition rather than a necessity to complete them.”
A statement I wholly agree with.
Destiny’s Child celebrated independent women back in 1999, but nearly 30 years on it seems society is still adapting to the fact women who don’t put others’ needs, wants and desires - especially male partners - before their own are not selfish.
It’s time to embrace being confidently self-centred, self-sufficient women. Straight women no longer need to be defined by relationships with men - we define our own worth based on career achievements, personal values and character over historical societal expectations. [Spoiler alert: you can be both self-centred and still in a healthy relationship.]
We’re ditching ‘mankeeping’ - the emotional labour women end up doing in heterosexual relationships - and are doubling down on our expectations from a relationship or dipped out of the dating pool entirely to focus on ourselves and female friendships.
It’s time for more women to embrace being self-sufficient. Not to be embarrassed of having a boyfriend but show the boyf as a piece of the jigsaw puzzle of life rather than the whole picture.
And for society to embrace the rise of self-centred women in 2026 and beyond.
I am 60 and was taught that getting married and having babies was central to my life. One horrible marriage, and then my 30s pining for a man took up so much energy. I am married again to the father of the child whom I conceived accidentally (thank you, mojitos), but have not put the husband as the centre of my life. He is a support character while I live the life I want.
I tell my nieces that not being married is wonderful, and if they want children, they can do it on their own. If they meet a man, he has to be everything that adds value to their life. I raise my son to understand that he should be supportive of his girlfriends and their life, and that is how he will find real happiness. As a woman who is supported, he will give her everything.
I said no to an arranged marriage at 16.
Im the daughter of immigrants a first generation born Brit. By saying no to an arranged marriage I broke the rules.
Bought my first home at 23 when my friends were taking out joint mortgages with their boyfriends I chose to fly solo.
At 36 I chose not to have kids I've been financially independent since I was 19, Im now 56.
And have lived a life of NO REGRETS. I have friends who are in toxic marriages.
I totally advocate for women being "selfish" Check out my Substack - to have control over their lives, choices and purse strings