Women are angry. And it's making us ill.

I’ve worked with violent men in prisons, but I’d never seen rage like that of my female patients.

By Jennifer Cox, psychotherapist and author

Women, I need to let you in on a terrible secret. You’re furious. And your rage is making you ill.

As a psychotherapist, I cut my teeth professionally working in prisons with openly raging, violent male offenders. 

When I moved into private practice, working mainly with women, I was shocked to discover that the same types of angry feeling were filling the room. High-achieving, high-functioning women who, on paper, seemed to ‘have it all’, came to me presenting with anxiety or depression, burn-out, or eating disorders. Or suffering from a lifetime of migraines or stomach problems. Beneath those symptoms, I began to pick up on that same familiar atmosphere of rage.

These women - so put-together, so thoughtful and generous and brilliant - were absolutely furious. I began to ask why. The answer is screaming at us. But we’re too busy trying to survive the trap which society has set, that we can’t step back to spot it.

Women, we are being gaslit. On an epic scale.

We’re told we can have it all: an education, a fabulous career… a family life. And we’re really trying to make it work. But having it all really means doing it all. And no one’s offering to help. It’s as if we’re being punished for simply wanting the same as our brothers. Because the patriarchy is nimble. It creates token policies which seem to enable us. And if we say we can’t keep this up any longer – then we must be the problem. What are you complaining about? This is what you asked for! So we don’t complain.

Anger isn’t a feeling we’re adept at, or acclimatised to identifying within ourselves. Instead, we tend to push the emotion down deep into our bodies, and see ourselves as stressed, exhausted or ‘ill.’ Women are twice as likely as men to suffer depression, three times more likely to experience migraine, and four times more likely to be diagnosed with autoimmune disease.

This muted rage has to come out. If we feel rage, we need to let those feelings out at the time, since we know the devastating effects repressed anger (with adrenaline and cortisol at its core) can have on our bodies and minds.

If you feel anger, get it out physically. Take yourself somewhere private (like the toilet) and do star jumps, or run on the spot until you feel you've exercised out some of the impacted energy. Whack a mattress or pile of pillows with a tennis racket or rolling pin. Dispatching the energy onto another surface literally transfers it from your body. Scream into a cushion (you're even more soundproofed if you get under a duvet to do this). Throw a wet washcloth repeatedly at the bathtub or cubicle floor while you're showering. 

High-impact physical activities like these will release endorphins, which suppresses cortisol. That's why rage rooms feel so good! Afterwards, roll back and release your shoulders, and do some long, deep breathing to allow your mind to gently come back online.

Once the rage is out, we can get to work with our words. We need to find a vocabulary to capture our internalised rage. I realised, if this terrible stalemate was going to change, I needed to find a way to reach women beyond my clinic. So I wrote a book. My best friend, actor and writer Salima Saxton, suggested we start a podcast. Across a year, incredible women from Jess Phillips MP to Jameela Jamil have joined us to share their take on female rage. And a conversation has begun.

Women, we all need to be having this conversation. With our children, our friends, our partners, our colleagues. Teachers need to be doing this too.

Because, as girls, we've traditionally been stuck in the corners of playgrounds while the boys dominate the space for football. We've been busy building on our communication skills. Let's use those skills now to develop our emotional repertoire. We need to allow ourselves the same spectrum of feeling as boys and men. And we need to be clear about why we’re feeling that way. Because the situation is critical. And from what I’ve seen in my clinic, our lives depend upon it.

Jennifer Cox is a psychotherapist and co-host of the podcast Women Are Mad. Her book, Women Are Angry: Why Your Rage Is Hiding And How To Let It Out (Bonnier, £16.99) is out now in hardback.