The exhaustion of being ‘likeable’ falls mainly on women
In workplace meetings and WhatsApp groups, women are shape-shifting, toning themselves down, and smiling more.
Smiling when you don’t want to. Apologising for nothing. Softening your opinion to avoid seeming “difficult”.
If you’re a woman, chances are you’ve done at least one of those things this week.
According to new research, 50% of women admit they withhold their opinions to be liked, and 43% downplay their achievements to avoid alienating others. Around a third smile more, even when they don’t feel like it, just to seem “nice”.
And overall, 56% feel pressure to be “likeable” compared to just 36% of men.
Women ranked being liked as of higher importance than being rich, powerful, funny or influential, with almost two thirds saying being liked was “core to their character”.
The report, by training company Good Shout is a deep dive into ‘likeability labour’: a term it has coined to describe the emotional and mental gymnastics women perform daily to appear palatable.
It’s the subtle self-editing, rewording an email so it doesn’t sound “too direct,” asking “does that make sense?” when you know it does.
Women are twice as likely as men to change how they act or speak to please others, the research with 1,000 UK workers found, and 35% try to smile more than they naturally would, to be liked.
And it’s exhausting. Almost a third of women (30%) worry about coming across as too confident.
The report also cites research from Textio which found that 56% of women were called “unlikeable” in performance reviews versus just 17% of men, and women were seven times more likely to internalise this negative feedback and carry it with them.
As Good Shout CEO Amy Kean puts it, “niceness has been used as a stick to beat us with.”
The report unpacks the specifics. Women are far more likely than men to cushion their language with disclaimers:
“I might be wrong, but…” (used by 35% of women vs 21% of men),
“Does that make sense?” (38% vs 20%),
“Sorry, just quickly…” (40% vs 23%),
“Is this a silly question?” (34% vs 20%).
Does it get better with age? Sort of. While 62% of 18–24-year-olds said being liked was important or very important to them, only 47% of those aged 45–54 said the same. By 65+, nearly half of women said they wouldn’t change how they behave just to be liked. The zero f*cks era, if you will.
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But it’s taking decades, so… can we speed it up a bit?
It’s not just about language. It’s lost ideas, missed promotions, and the discreet wearing down of confidence. The pressure to be likeable is another job women do unpaid and unrecognised.
The fix is changing the culture that punishes women for speaking plainly and rewards performative sweetness.
Good Shout offers some practical suggestions: stop rewarding niceness over substance. Challenge the idea that being “blunt” or “assertive” is a flaw. Give women space to be brilliant, without needing to be charming at the same time. Create workplaces where you don’t have to rehearse your message three times before pressing send.
Most importantly, stop equating politeness with professionalism. Seek to be respected, not liked (look out for an article coming soon on this).
And maybe to stop saying “sorry, just quickly” when what you mean is: I have something important to say.