“I’ve been called ‘bossy’ and ‘a bimbo’.”
Presenter and DJ Ashley James on the seven mistakes she made growing up - and lessons they taught her.
By Ashley James, TV presenter, author and activist
I have to pinch myself that I’m 38 - sometimes the number doesn’t quite match how I feel inside. But when I look at the woman I am now in my thirties compared to my younger self – even me in my twenties – the difference is striking.
I’m more confident, grounded, and unshakeable. But it didn’t happen overnight. It took years of unlearning what society teaches girls, making mistakes, and slowly rebuilding my confidence. Now, I’m passionate about helping the next generation of girls skip some of those struggles. I want my daughter Ada, two, – and girls everywhere – to know that the pressures, shame, and mixed messages we absorb don’t define us. We can break free.
It’s why I became an ambassador for Girlguiding and am supporting their campaign, A girl’s world: sexism, misogyny and the power of sisterhood, calling on the government to keep girls safe from misogyny.
Here are seven mistakes I made growing up and the life lessons they taught me…
Other girls are not your enemy
When I was younger, I often saw other girls as competition. But the truth is, we are stronger together. Girlguiding’s latest Girls’ Attitudes Survey found 70% of girls and young women aged 11-21 have stood up for other girls experiencing sexism or misogyny, which is powerful when 56% said they don’t feel safe on public transport alone.
Today, I have the greatest group of friends, mostly women I met later in life, and they are the true love story of my life. We support each other through heartbreaks, motherhood, career highs and lows. Imagine if we saw more of that celebrated in films instead of rivalry? Other girls are not your enemy.
Your worth is not tied to your appearance
I used to believe that if I was thinner or prettier I’d finally be happy, confident, and loved. I thought looking perfect would stop me from being heartbroken. But when I was modelling and at my smallest, I was also at my unhappiest. I would look up online “how to be confident” desperate for answers.
The truth is, tying your worth to appearance means you will never feel enough. There will always be another flaw to fix. Confidence comes from within, not from shrinking yourself.
Beauty has never been one-size-fits-all. The most magnetic people are the ones who believe in their own worth, whatever their shape and size.
Don’t ignore red flags
Looking back, I realise I was often more in love with the fantasy of who I thought a man could be than the reality of who they were. I’d ignore the red flags and imagine a future with them, hoping they’d change. I only really learned to take people at face value in my thirties.
But here’s the thing: if someone tells you they’re not looking for a relationship, believe them. Don’t waste time trying to prove your worth or convince them otherwise. If they’re not ready, or not kind, that’s not your problem to fix. You don’t need to prove yourself to be worthy of love.
Know the difference between lonely and alone
At 27 I broke up with my boyfriend and felt like a failure. I stayed single for the next six years – and for the first three of those, I thought it meant I wasn’t good enough. But slowly, I realised that being alone wasn’t the same as being lonely.
The happier I became on my own, the more whole I felt. And interestingly, the better my love life became. Because once you know who you are, you stop settling for less than you deserve. You are not half a person waiting for someone else to complete you. You are already whole. I really believe that knowing that is now my super power.
Success is not a straight line
I thought success meant ticking off the boxes: school, university, career, marriage, kids. That if you strayed from that path, you were failing. But life isn’t a straight line – it’s full of detours, restarts, and fresh chances. I quit my job at 25 to start again in television. By 29, I was still in my overdraft while my friends were buying houses and getting promoted.
At the time, it felt like failure. Now I see it differently. Success isn’t a race, and detours don’t mean you’re behind. They often lead you exactly where you’re meant to go. It’s ok to go back to studying, to take a break, to change careers entirely. Growth isn’t linear.
Don’t let labels silence you
I’ve been called “bossy,” “too much,” and “a bimbo.” And for years, I let those labels shrink me. I quietened myself in classrooms, in meetings, and even online, afraid of being mocked.
But I’ve learned those words are tools to keep women quiet. “Bossy” really means you’re a leader. “Too much” often means you’re more than they can handle.
Don’t let unkind, gendered words dim your light. You don’t need to fit into the impossible and rigid expectations society places on women. I feel so passionately about this I’ve written a whole book on it called BIMBO, which is available for preorder now. Don’t be afraid to use your voice.
Respect your body through food and movement
For years, I treated food as the enemy and exercise as punishment. I believed I had to restrict what I ate and push myself at the gym to “earn” my worth. Now, I see it differently. Food is nourishment, not guilt. Exercise is movement, not punishment. You don’t have to love your body every second of the day. But you can respect it as your home – the thing that lets you hug your friends, laugh until your belly hurts, and explore the world.
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Eat intuitively. Enjoy the foods you love. Find movement that feels good, whether that’s boxing, swimming, running, yoga, or dancing in your bedroom. Move because it makes you feel alive, not because you want to shrink yourself.
Finally, remember that this is your life. You don’t need to fit into anyone else’s idea of success or happiness. Some people want to go to university, some don’t. Some women want children, some don’t. There are challenges to every path, and no single ‘right’ way.
The most important thing is to live with kindness, to lift others up, and to never judge someone else’s choices through the lens of your own. Because when girls stand together, raising each other up instead of competing, we are unstoppable.
You can join me in signing Girlguiding’s open letter calling on the government to act now to make the UK safer for girls: https://www.girlguiding.org.uk/campaigns/sexism-misogyny-campaign/
This was so beautiful to read 😊❤️