7 mistakes women make during divorce — and how to avoid them
If marriage separation is imminent, here’s what you need to know for a ‘good’ divorce
By Rachanaa Tulsyan, Breakup and Divorce Coach
Divorce is not just a legal process, it is an emotional, financial, and psychological upheaval. Even the strongest women can get caught in patterns that delay their healing, drain their resources, and cloud their judgment. Recognizing these pitfalls in advance can make the difference between a chaotic divorce and an empowered transition into a healthier chapter of life.
Here are seven of the most common mistakes women make during divorce — and how to avoid them.
1. Paying Lawyers to Process Their Emotions
One of the costliest mistakes women make is using their solicitor as a therapist. In moments of pain, frustration, or shock, they pour out emotional stories to the lawyer instead of asking the practical questions that matter. Lawyers charge for time, not emotional support. When women vent about who was right or wrong in the marriage, the bills escalate quickly, and the legal progress does not. Your lawyer’s role is to guide strategy, not soothe your heart.
What helps: Build an emotional support network outside the legal arena - therapy, friends, support groups - and enter legal meetings with a plan and a list of precise questions.
2. Turning It Into an Ego Battle
Divorce can trigger deep wounds — betrayal, abandonment, rejection — and those wounds often ignite ego-driven decisions. Some women engage in revenge-driven battles, believing they are standing up for themselves, when in fact they are draining funds and prolonging the pain. The court is not interested in who “wins” emotionally. It focuses on facts, fairness, and law.
What helps: Pause before reacting. Ask yourself: Is this decision driven by dignity or by ego? Dignity protects your future. Ego empties your pockets.
3. Assuming Lawyers Must Handle Everything
Many women hand over complete control to lawyers, unaware that a large portion of the process can, and should, involve third-party assessments and documentation. Legal systems rely heavily on evidence: CAFCASS reports for child arrangements, mediation outcomes for financial settlements, GP letters, police reports, and more. When women rely solely on lawyers to navigate every step, they often pay unnecessarily and slow the process.
What helps: Educate yourself. Understand the role of each third party, gather your documents proactively, and take ownership where possible. Being informed is not just empowering, it’s cost-effective.
4. Blaming Themselves
Women often internalize the blame for the breakdown of the marriage. Years of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, or psychological control can leave them doubting their own perceptions and decisions. This self-blame becomes paralysing. It keeps them stuck, weakens their negotiation power, and clouds their clarity.
What helps: Remind yourself: accountability is not the same as blame. Relationships are complex, and no one person is solely responsible for their collapse. Seek perspective from trusted professionals who can help you rebuild your confidence and trust in your own judgment.
5. Believing They’re Ruining Their Children’s Lives
Perhaps the most painful misconception is the belief that divorce creates a “broken home”. Many women stay longer than they should because they fear harming their children.
The truth? Children need at least one healthy, emotionally stable parent. Not a perfect home, not a two-parent home, but a safe one. Growing up in conflict, tension, neglect, or emotional volatility is far more damaging than growing up with one parent who is grounded and present.
What helps: Reframe the narrative: you are not breaking a home, you are rebuilding a healthier one.
6. Thinking They Will Never Find Love Again
Divorce can shake a woman’s sense of worth. Years of emotional erosion or trauma bonding can lead to beliefs like, “No one will ever want me”, or “Maybe I am the problem”.
But these beliefs are simply echoes of pain, not truth. When women focus on mental health, self-care, and healing, their confidence begins to rise steadily. As confidence returns, so does openness to new, healthier connections. Love after divorce is not only possible, it is common, and often far more fulfilling.
What helps: Treat recovery like rebuilding muscle. It takes time, but every small step strengthens your emotional foundation.
7. Believing They Can’t Be Financially Independent
Many women fear they will not survive financially on their own. But the deeper issue often isn’t capability, it’s conditioning. Trauma bonds and learned dependency convince women that they are helpless. The reality is different. Countless women rebuild their careers, start businesses, or pursue education after divorce. They discover strength they never knew they had.
What helps: Start with small financial steps: budgeting, seeking financial advice, exploring job opportunities. And allow yourself to believe that independence is achievable.
Final Thought
Divorce is painful, but it is also a rebirth. By avoiding these common mistakes, women can protect their emotional health, financial wellbeing, and future stability. Most importantly, they can walk away with something powerful: clarity, strength, and the knowledge that they can build a life that is healthier, freer, and fully their own.
Trauma Liberation Mentor, Transforming Hypnotherapist and Master Practitioner in Domestic Abuse, Rachanaa is the founder of The Sovereign Circle, a thriving community for women and men who are rewriting their own stories. Through the 5 phase C.L.A.I.M Framework Blueprint, Rachanaa helps women reclaim their confidence and freedom after toxic relationships. She blends neuroscience, hypnotherapy and energy healing to turn heartbreak into empowerment.
Find out more: www.risebeyondtoxic.com www.rachanaatulsyan.com
