By Rachanaa Tulsyan, Breakup and Divorce Coach

Divorce is not just a legal process, it is an emotional, financial, and psychological upheaval. Even the strongest women can get caught in patterns that delay their healing, drain their resources, and cloud their judgment. Recognizing these pitfalls in advance can make the difference between a chaotic divorce and an empowered transition into a healthier chapter of life.

Here are seven of the most common mistakes women make during divorce — and how to avoid them.

1. Paying Lawyers to Process Their Emotions

One of the costliest mistakes women make is using their solicitor as a therapist. In moments of pain, frustration, or shock, they pour out emotional stories to the lawyer instead of asking the practical questions that matter. Lawyers charge for time, not emotional support. When women vent about who was right or wrong in the marriage, the bills escalate quickly, and the legal progress does not. Your lawyer’s role is to guide strategy, not soothe your heart.

What helps: Build an emotional support network outside the legal arena - therapy, friends, support groups - and enter legal meetings with a plan and a list of precise questions.

2. Turning It Into an Ego Battle

Divorce can trigger deep wounds — betrayal, abandonment, rejection — and those wounds often ignite ego-driven decisions. Some women engage in revenge-driven battles, believing they are standing up for themselves, when in fact they are draining funds and prolonging the pain. The court is not interested in who “wins” emotionally. It focuses on facts, fairness, and law.

What helps: Pause before reacting. Ask yourself: Is this decision driven by dignity or by ego? Dignity protects your future. Ego empties your pockets.

3. Assuming Lawyers Must Handle Everything

Many women hand over complete control to lawyers, unaware that a large portion of the process can, and should, involve third-party assessments and documentation. Legal systems rely heavily on evidence: CAFCASS reports for child arrangements, mediation outcomes for financial settlements, GP letters, police reports, and more. When women rely solely on lawyers to navigate every step, they often pay unnecessarily and slow the process.

What helps: Educate yourself. Understand the role of each third party, gather your documents proactively, and take ownership where possible. Being informed is not just empowering, it’s cost-effective.

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4. Blaming Themselves

Women often internalize the blame for the breakdown of the marriage. Years of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, or psychological control can leave them doubting their own perceptions and decisions. This self-blame becomes paralysing. It keeps them stuck, weakens their negotiation power, and clouds their clarity.

What helps: Remind yourself: accountability is not the same as blame. Relationships are complex, and no one person is solely responsible for their collapse. Seek perspective from trusted professionals who can help you rebuild your confidence and trust in your own judgment.

5. Believing They’re Ruining Their Children’s Lives

Perhaps the most painful misconception is the belief that divorce creates a “broken home”. Many women stay longer than they should because they fear harming their children.

The truth? Children need at least one healthy, emotionally stable parent. Not a perfect home, not a two-parent home, but a safe one. Growing up in conflict, tension, neglect, or emotional volatility is far more damaging than growing up with one parent who is grounded and present.

What helps: Reframe the narrative: you are not breaking a home, you are rebuilding a healthier one.

6. Thinking They Will Never Find Love Again

Divorce can shake a woman’s sense of worth. Years of emotional erosion or trauma bonding can lead to beliefs like, “No one will ever want me”, or “Maybe I am the problem”.

But these beliefs are simply echoes of pain, not truth. When women focus on mental health, self-care, and healing, their confidence begins to rise steadily. As confidence returns, so does openness to new, healthier connections. Love after divorce is not only possible, it is common, and often far more fulfilling.

What helps: Treat recovery like rebuilding muscle. It takes time, but every small step strengthens your emotional foundation.

7. Believing They Can’t Be Financially Independent

Many women fear they will not survive financially on their own. But the deeper issue often isn’t capability, it’s conditioning. Trauma bonds and learned dependency convince women that they are helpless. The reality is different. Countless women rebuild their careers, start businesses, or pursue education after divorce. They discover strength they never knew they had.

What helps: Start with small financial steps: budgeting, seeking financial advice, exploring job opportunities. And allow yourself to believe that independence is achievable.

Final Thought

Divorce is painful, but it is also a rebirth. By avoiding these common mistakes, women can protect their emotional health, financial wellbeing, and future stability. Most importantly, they can walk away with something powerful: clarity, strength, and the knowledge that they can build a life that is healthier, freer, and fully their own.

Trauma Liberation Mentor, Transforming Hypnotherapist and Master Practitioner in Domestic Abuse, Rachanaa is the founder of The Sovereign Circle, a thriving community for women and men who are rewriting their own stories. Through the 5 phase C.L.A.I.M Framework Blueprint, Rachanaa helps women reclaim their confidence and freedom after toxic relationships. She blends neuroscience, hypnotherapy and energy healing to turn heartbreak into empowerment.

Find out more: www.risebeyondtoxic.com www.rachanaatulsyan.com

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Smiling when you don’t want to. Apologising for nothing. Softening your opinion to avoid seeming “difficult”.

If you’re a woman, chances are you’ve done at least one of those things this week.

According to new research, 50% of women admit they withhold their opinions to be liked, and 43% downplay their achievements to avoid alienating others. Around a third smile more, even when they don’t feel like it, just to seem “nice”.

And overall, 56% feel pressure to be “likeable” compared to just 36% of men.

Women ranked being liked as of higher importance than being rich, powerful, funny or influential, with almost two thirds saying being liked was “core to their character”.

The report, by training company Good Shout is a deep dive into ‘likeability labour’: a term it has coined to describe the emotional and mental gymnastics women perform daily to appear palatable.

It’s the subtle self-editing, rewording an email so it doesn’t sound “too direct,” asking “does that make sense?” when you know it does.

Women are twice as likely as men to change how they act or speak to please others, the research with 1,000 UK workers found, and 35% try to smile more than they naturally would, to be liked.

And it’s exhausting. Almost a third of women (30%) worry about coming across as too confident.

The report also cites research from Textio which found that 56% of women were called “unlikeable” in performance reviews versus just 17% of men, and women were seven times more likely to internalise this negative feedback and carry it with them.

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As Good Shout CEO Amy Kean puts it, “niceness has been used as a stick to beat us with.”

The report unpacks the specifics. Women are far more likely than men to cushion their language with disclaimers:

• “I might be wrong, but…” (used by 35% of women vs 21% of men),

• “Does that make sense?” (38% vs 20%),

• “Sorry, just quickly…” (40% vs 23%),

• “Is this a silly question?” (34% vs 20%).

Does it get better with age? Sort of. While 62% of 18–24-year-olds said being liked was important or very important to them, only 47% of those aged 45–54 said the same. By 65+, nearly half of women said they wouldn’t change how they behave just to be liked. The zero f*cks era, if you will.

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But it’s taking decades, so… can we speed it up a bit?

It’s not just about language. It’s lost ideas, missed promotions, and the discreet wearing down of confidence. The pressure to be likeable is another job women do unpaid and unrecognised.

The fix is changing the culture that punishes women for speaking plainly and rewards performative sweetness.

Good Shout offers some practical suggestions: stop rewarding niceness over substance. Challenge the idea that being “blunt” or “assertive” is a flaw. Give women space to be brilliant, without needing to be charming at the same time. Create workplaces where you don’t have to rehearse your message three times before pressing send.

Most importantly, stop equating politeness with professionalism. Seek to be respected, not liked (look out for an article coming soon on this).

And maybe to stop saying “sorry, just quickly” when what you mean is: I have something important to say.

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When Col Bignell became a father in 2022, he watched his wife thrive in groups for new parents - making friends, finding support, and picking up practical parenting wisdom.

But as a dad, Northern-Ireland based Col felt like a third wheel. Everyone was technically welcome, but the spaces were clearly built for mums.

“My wife benefited massively, but I was just sitting in the back, watching the mums talk. You don't feel comfortable enough to get involved,” he tells The Female Lead.

“I thought, this is brilliant… but I would love to have something like that for myself. I looked into the community for anything like it for dads and I couldn’t find anything.”

So he started something himself. What began as six dads meeting to swap stories and offer support has grown into an important fatherhood community in Northern Ireland: Dad Bods. Col’s son Monty was just eight weeks old when the first meeting took place.

In a survey of over 160 dads from one of its WhatsApp groups, Dad Bods found nearly half (48.4%) said they felt uncomfortable in typical parent settings, and 80.6% didn’t feel supported by traditional parenting services.

DadBods is part of a growing number of ‘dad groups’, reflecting the rise in interest in groups to support fathers. The number of stay-at-home dads in the UK has jumped since before the pandemic. 1 in 9 stay-at-home parents in the UK now fathers, up from one in 14 just a few years ago - a “monumental” cultural shift, according to experts. 

What better time to create spaces where dads feel supported and able to connect on their own terms?

DadBods focuses on outdoor group meet-ups like walks, hikes and cold-water swims. It leads to a pace and focus that Col finds can help men connect more easily. No forced small talk, no pressure to share. “You can say as much or as little as you want,” he adds.

“It’s dads from all backgrounds and ages - from firefighters with newborns to lawyers with teenagers,” he says. “They wouldn’t normally talk to each other, but here they learn from each other’s struggles and successes.”

These networks can be a lifeline. When one father opened up about personal hardship, “within an hour he had ten dads around the house helping him,” Cold says. When another lost a child, fifty dads attended the funeral, even speaking on his behalf. And when legal restrictions kept dads from seeing their children, the group arranged monitored walks so fathers could reconnect with their children.

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Col sees the shift in fatherhood happening in real time. “Some dads stay home full time while the mums work. Ten years ago, that would’ve raised eyebrows. Now? It's just what works for their family. It’s normal.”

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The impact reaches far beyond dads. Research by the UK government shows that when fathers are actively involved in early caregiving, mothers are better supported at home and more likely to progress in their careers. (Nearly twice as likely compared to those whose partners take on little or moderate childcare.)

The UK Women’s Budget Group also found that increased paternal leave and shared caregiving reduces gender inequality, enabling women to work, rest, and thrive more equally. 

“We're definitely breaking the generation of dads who just weren't that involved,” Col says. “These dads really want to support their kids, support their partners, and build a network.”

“We're leading the way for the next generation on how to behave, how to network, how to show up.”

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By Tova Leigh, author of Good Girls Gossip

When I think back to my childhood, one of my most vivid memories is of my mother at the kitchen table.

Surrounded by her closest friends, they'd cook, laugh, complain, and - yes - gossip. There was always a cloud of cigarette smoke hanging in the air, the clatter of pots and pans in the background, and the low hum of women speaking freely, without apology, like a pack of wild wolves howling with laughter while sipping Diet Coke. I didn’t understand it then, but those moments were sacred. They were lifelines.

My mother, who often seemed tired and burdened in other parts of her life, came alive in those hours. There was joy in the air, even when the conversations were raw or messy and sometimes filled with frustration.

That memory resurfaced for me years later as I started researching the word “gossip” while writing my book Good Girls Gossip. I was curious - and then furious - to learn how far the word had drifted from its roots.

Today, gossip is a word that often conjures images of whispering behind someone’s back, cattiness, or mean girl culture. It’s a word thrown at women as an insult, used to shame and silence. But that’s not where it started.

What I discovered is that the word gossip comes from the Old English godsibb, which meant a person related to you in God - a close companion, a godparent, a trusted friend. It described the women who would gather around a mother during childbirth, offering support, wisdom, and strength. Basically, gossip was community. Female community.

Over time, especially as patriarchal systems tightened their grip on society, the word shifted. Women’s circles became suspect. Female friendships - those intimate spaces where stories, knowledge, and truths were exchanged - were dismissed as idle chatter, or worse, dangerous. Why? Because connection is power. And historically, women’s power has so often been found not in hierarchy, but in network - in the togetherness and in the bonds we build with one another.

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In Good Girls Gossip, I wanted to reclaim this word and remind us of what it once meant - and what it could mean again.

When women gather - whether it’s over wine, WhatsApp, or voice notes sent at midnight - there is an exchange happening that’s deeper than just news. We are metabolising our lives together. Witnessing each other. We’re finding clarity, humour, perspective, and, most of all, solidarity. Sisterhood.

We gossip about our fears. About the way our bodies are changing. About motherhood, aging, ambition, and the systems that press down on us. We tell the truth in a world that often doesn’t want to hear it. And all of that is female empowerment in the best way possible.

The kitchen table of my childhood is still with me. These days, it might look more like a group chat or a retreat circle, but the essence is the same. Connection. Storytelling. Joy. Laughter. Tears. Authenticity. The whole shebang.

So let them call us gossipers. I say: Good. Let’s gossip more. Let’s claim it, own it, and make it powerful again. Because when women talk - really talk - revolutions begin, one whispered truth at a time.

Tova Leigh is a writer, performer and creator based in the UK. Good Girls Gossip is published by Watkins Media Limited and available here.

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English actress Florence Pugh says she does not have time to date and is “sympathetic” to people who are in love with her as she is “tricky”.

The 29-year-old, who is set to play Yelena Belova in Marvel’s upcoming blockbuster Thunderbolts, opened up about her busy schedule and her desire to dedicate more time to her personal life.

Pugh is best known for starring in the romance We Live In Time alongside Andrew Garfield and for playing Jean Tatlock in Oppenheimer.

Speaking to Harper’s Bazaar UK, Pugh said: “I’m more sympathetic to the people who are in love with me, because it’s not easy.

“I’m tricky – I’m always busy, I can never make dates. But it’s not good enough for me to ask someone to just to accept that. I’ll just end up alone. I don’t want that – I want a family.”

“I’ve worked back-to-back since I started, and I’ve missed so much.

“I’ve now come to terms with things that I don’t like about myself and want to change. I don’t want to have things just happen to me any more.”

Pugh previously dated American actor and filmmaker Zach Braff, best known for playing JD in the hit sitcom Scrubs, and faced online criticism for their 21-year age gap.

The actress spoke out about the scrutiny in an Instagram video posted in April 2020, saying people were “hurling abuse” after she shared a photograph for Braff’s birthday, causing her to turn off the comment section as a result.

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The Oxford-born actress recently played Princess Irulan in the science fiction film Dune: Part Two, alongside Timothee Chalamet and Zendaya.

Pugh will also reprise her role as assassin character Yelena in the upcoming Marvel movie Thunderbolts, following the character’s appearances in Black Widow and Hawkeye with Hollywood actors Sebastian Stan, and David Harbour.

In the film, Pugh jumps off the second tallest building in the world, the Merdeka 118 in Kuala Lumpur, breaking stunt records.

She said: “I got to do a stunt that has never been done before. My double, the female co-ordinator and I are all now Guinness World Record holders.

“I give so much of my body to what I do.”

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When pop sensation Chappell Roan candidly described motherhood as seeming like “hell” during her recent appearance on Alex Cooper’s Call Her Daddy podcast, she struck a nerve across the internet.

The 27-year-old singer, who doesn’t have kids herself, didn’t mince words: “I literally have not met anyone [with children] who is happy. Anyone who has light in their eyes. Anyone who has slept.” Cue digital uproar.

But me? I’m not triggered by it. And I don’t think I’m alone. As a 32 year-old mother of one (yes, yes - just one. Do I still get an opinion?), I can confirm that motherhood is bloody hard. Sometimes, there is minimal light in my eyes. Sleep is disrupted. Freedom is limited. That might be pretty hellish to some, and I get it.

Here’s the thing though: why is it still taboo to discuss the hardships of motherhood in 2025? Roan’s comments weren’t an attack on mothers; they were an unfiltered reflection of what she’s witnessed. Yet, the backlash suggests a societal discomfort with acknowledging that raising children can be exhausting, isolating and, at times, overwhelming.

Social media platforms are flooded with idealised portrayals of motherhood. The rise of the “tradwife” movement exemplifies this perfectly, showcasing women who embrace traditional homemaking roles, often presenting a polished, effortless image of domestic life. These curated snapshots can create unrealistic expectations, making it seem as though fulfillment is found solely in spotless homes, from-scratch cooking and perfectly-behaved children. If you’re not happy, you’re just not doing it well enough.

Such portrayals can inadvertently contribute to feelings of inadequacy among mothers who don’t see their realities reflected in these images. I’ve been there, I’ve felt it. The pressure to conform can be immense, leading to defensiveness when someone like Roan offers a contrasting perspective. It’s as if admitting that motherhood has its challenges is confessing failure.

But why should that be the case? Why do we, as a society, equate the acknowledgment of hardship with weakness or incompetence? For me, the defensiveness is simply perpetuating deeply ingrained notions that a mother’s worth is tied to her ability to juggle all aspects of her life without complaint.

Historically, societal norms have idealised motherhood, expecting women to find complete fulfillment in domestic roles. The 19th-century ‘Cult of Domesticity’ promoted virtues like purity and submissiveness, positioning women’s value within the home. This narrative continued into the 20th century, where Betty Friedan’s ‘The Feminine Mystique’ highlighted the widespread dissatisfaction among housewives confined to domestic spheres.

Today, we see examples every single day of mothers still being put on a pedestal. This does a disservice to all parents, perpetuating a culture of silence around the very real struggles we face.

As sociologist Jennifer Walter wrote on threads: “Chappell didn’t criticize mothers. She described what the institution is doing to her friends. And the institution doesn’t like to be exposed.”

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Instead of vilifying a young woman for speaking her mind, let’s pivot the conversation. Let’s create a society where discussing the realities of motherhood isn’t controversial but encouraged, where mothers feel seen and supported, and where they can have a hellish day (or a lot of them).

After all, acknowledging the difficulties of motherhood doesn’t diminish its joys. It simply paints a more complete picture - if we’re brave enough to confront it.

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Adina Belloli lost her mother at six months old, when she was killed by a drunk driver.

“She was just down the road, going to the supermarket,” Belloli tells The Female Lead. “Obviously, it’s changed the trajectory of my whole life.”

Growing up, Belloli was asked to create Mother’s Day cards at school, by teachers who would never acknowledge her situation. She’d make a card for her mum, then give it to her dad. It was the easiest way to get through the day. As an adult, she would avoid engaging with Mother’s Day altogether.

Years later, when she had her own first child, becoming a parent prompted an intense surge of grief for her own mother. “There's this profound loneliness, and a feeling that you are having a very unique experience of mothering. A lot of the books and things just don't speak to you,” Belloli explains.

“I don't have the luxury of being able to find out how old I was when I crawled, all of those kinds of things. I had anxiety about not knowing if I would be a good mother, because I don't know what that looks like.”

She was jealous of other women who could call their mother for support or advice, and had joined what she calls “a sisterhood no-one wants to be part of”: becoming a ‘motherless mother’.

Studies of women who become parents without a relationship with their own mother have found it can cause psychological effects like concerns about how to “be” a mother, overprotective parenting, increased fears about a child’s safety, and difficulty tolerating feelings of sadness from your child. 

“When we lose a mother, we lose our mirror. We lose our first home,” says Belloli, who was born in the US and is now based in London. “It really impacts everything: our sense of self, our relationships, and our ability to hold and nurture our children, because we're asked to hold our own grief as well.”

Concerned about the lack of understanding of this experience, Belloli started speaking about it online. She connected with Yorkshire-based Louise Kirby-Jones, who lost her own mother at 20 after routine heart surgery.

The two joined together to create The Motherless Mothers, an online community for women to share experiences and support each other. Thousands have visited their social media and website which offer guides, book recommendations, articles and self-care tools. Since launching in September they have met MPs, and are talking to maternity departments in London hospitals about supporting pregnant women who do not have a mother themselves, and the NHS about local health services being able to refer women to them.

“Women are completely unprepared for how it can hit them, and professionals like doctors are too,” says Belloli. Now a psychotherapist, she says she has seen women whose grief for their mother is misdiagnosed as postnatal depression after they have a baby. It’s an area she thinks needs to be studied. Research has also pointed towards motherless mothers being more at risk of mental health difficulties more generally.

The group has connected women from around the world, some with stories Belloli didn’t expect. “We have women who have chosen to not have their mothers in their life, going through their own kind of loss. We have motherless grandmothers, some women who are 76 and some who are pregnant.”

While they talk about grief, she says The Motherless Mothers network is also empowering. “We’re about moving forward and finding strength in our shared experience. It hits different when you know someone is ahead of you in the journey, and they're ok. It’s inspiring.”

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Now with two teen children, Belloli will mark UK Mother’s Day this year with her husband and kids. She suggests other motherless mothers do whatever feels best for them on the day, whether that’s to avoid social media or lean into being celebrated as a mother yourself.

She’s not against people posting online about their mothers this weekend, saying: “If you have a mother in your life and you have a great relationship, why not post? That's a beautiful thing.”

But she notes it’s good to be aware of those in a different situation. “If you know of a motherless mother, or you have a friend who might have a complicated relationship with her mother, check in on her.”

The Motherless Mothers can be found on Facebook, Instagram and themotherlessmothers.com

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By Lucy Brown, Professor of Film and Television, Head of Screen, Assistant Head of School, Westminster School of Media and Communications, University of Westminster, University of Westminster

This article is from academic website The Conversation. It represents the author’s views alone, not those of The Female Lead.

The ageist and sexist trope of the cougar, milf, or Mrs Robinson – a desperate older woman pursuing a relationship with a younger, less interested man – is being challenged by a spate of Hollywood movies pairing older women with younger men.

For generations, the idealised relationship on screen has been for an older man and a younger woman. This casting practice dates back to Hollywood’s silent era and mirrors global cultural norms then. The real average age gap in the west, meanwhile, is much narrower than the silver screen would have you believe, standing at 2.2 years in the US.

Mirroring what we see in the cinema, however, research on heterosexual relationship preferences in Europe, published in December, indicated that men prefer relationships with younger women. And that preferred gap increases as men age. In contrast, women prefer a smaller age gap as they age. And in their 60s, they tend to prefer a slightly younger partner.

The history of Hollywood age gaps

Many Hollywood classics feature significant age gaps. Debbie Reynolds starred opposite a 40-year-old Gene Kelly when she was just 19 in Singin’ in the Rain (1952). Kim Novak was paired with 50-year-old James Stewart in Vertigo (1958) when she was just 25. And Maria Schneider was only 19 when she was coupled with Marlon Brando, then 49, for Last Tango in Paris (1972).

Reynolds and Schneider have both spoken about the abusive on-set power dynamics that ensued. Reynolds felt assaulted when Kelly “shoved his tongue” down her throat, and Schneider accused both Brando and director Bernardo Bertolucci of sexual assault.

More recent, and now notorious pairings, which demonstrate the ubiquity of double digit age differences include 30-year-old Catherine Zeta-Jones and 69-year-old Sean Connery in Entrapment (1990). A 27-year-old Eva Mendes paired with 47-year-old Denzel Washington in Training Day (2001). And 22-year-old Gemma Arterton as the romantic interest of 40-year-old Daniel Craig in Quantum of Solace (2008).

Actor Laura Dern has reflected that the 20-year age gap between her and Sam Neill in Jurassic Park (1993), which was considered the norm in the 1990s, now feels “completely inappropriate”.

Flipping the script

Audiences are tiring of Hollywood’s habit of pairing younger stars with men old enough to be their fathers and are calling for change.

The casting of Cillian Murphy and Florence Pugh in Oppenheimer (2023) received a backlash for the 20-year age gap between the two actors. This came particularly as the film featured lingering nudity of Pugh, and the age gap was ten years greater than the real life age gap between the characters they play.

When Hollywood has depicted an inversion of this age gap dynamic in the past, it’s generally been done to demonise the older woman. One of the most renowned examples is The Graduate (1967). The film starred Dustin Hoffman as a 21 year old at the mercy of a middle-aged seducer Mrs Robinson (Anne Bancroft). Mrs Robinson is at the periphery of the story and portrayed as a sad, fading beauty in competition with her daughter who eventually “wins” the man.

This depiction of a bitter older woman is being challenged by a surge of recent films that centre characters over 40. Babygirl (2025) stars 57-year-old Nicole Kidman as a CEO in a relationship with an intern 30 years her junior, defying gendered stereotypes and sexual power dynamics.

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Similarly, Anne Hathaway, 41 in The Idea of You, falls for a 24-year-old pop star. Unlike the daughter in Mrs Robinson, who is perceived as the competition, her character’s daughter has her back and acknowledges the double standards women face when the age gap is this way around.

Even so, 2024 was referred to dismissively by some as “the year of the cougar” following the release of two Netflix romcoms, A Family Affair (again with Nicole Kidman, this time paired with 36-year-old Zac Efron) and Lonely Planet (with 57-year-old Laura Dern and 34-year-old Liam Hemsworth).

Despite this online mockery, the trend looks set to continue. The upcoming Bridget Jones sequel, Mad About the Boy, will show Bridget (played by Renée Zellweger who is now in her 50s) dating a 29-year-old Leo Woodall. Meanwhile I Want Your Sex, set to release in late 2025, will star Olivia Wilde, 40, opposite Cooper Hoffman, 21.

Women still only make up 23% of writers and directors in Hollywood. Interestingly, the recent films featuring older women and younger men couples have more women in key creative roles behind the scenes.

Lonely Planet and Babygirl were written and directed by women (Susannah Grant and Halina Reijn). A Family Affair and May December were written by women (Carrie Solomon and Samy Burch). And I Want Your Sex and Mad About the Boy have a mix of genders on their writing teams.

The need for more women to be involved in the creative decision-making to amplify women’s voices is crucial. Research shows that women make up only 35% of speaking parts and roles for women start to nose-dive post 30.

No wonder then that Reese Witherspoon, Amy Adams and Kerry Washington are just a few of the Hollywood actresses who have established production companies to tell stories that reflect the wide range of women’s experiences, sexual desires and vulnerabilities – and celebrate the complexity and diversity of their relationships.

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BACP-registered therapist Emma Cullinan says although people watch porn for many reasons, it’s also not uncommon for it to have an impact on relationships.

Is it common and normal?

“Considering the numbers involved, it is common for some people to watch porn without their partners. But whether it is ‘normal’ depends on many factors. One is that porn varies from content with paid actors (who have hopefully consented), to depictions of horrific abuse. Watching illegal porn is a serious issue psychologically and legally, and I know of two cases in which police have turned up at people’s workplaces and arrested them,” she says.

“This has led to partners deciding whether to support their partners through the court process and beyond. While this is at the extreme end, your question does highlight how, in a relationship, one partner watching porn affects the other: in various ways.”

In terms of how common it is to watch porn, a YouGov poll (2022) in the UK says 76% of men watch porn and 53% of women. About third of men (36%) watch it at least once a week as do 4% of women. It is also on the rise with 48% of under-30s watching porn compared with 17% of over-60s.

Does it mean they don’t fancy me?

“The thought of a partner watching porn alone can bring up insecurities,” says Cullinan. “You can feel excluded, insecure and betrayed, as if your partner is cheating.

“While you might feel they are less attracted to you or that you are somehow not satisfying your partner and they are looking elsewhere, please don’t. It is highly unlikely that your partner never watched porn until they met you and you somehow caused it – but it is possible that their porn-use could be hurting your relationship and sex-life.

“In 2021, the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy reported that watching porn on your own was ‘associated with poorer relationship quality for men (eg, lower relationship adjustment and commitment, less emotional intimacy), but better relationship quality for women.’

“Watching with a partner, it said, was associated with more relationship and sexual intimacy (yet both watching alone and together was linked with higher psychological aggression between partners).

“Other worries about partners who watch porn alone are that you might be compared with a fantastical ideal and they will want you to behave in the same way. Some partners feel pulled into ‘competing’ with what they imagine is happening with the porn.

“It can also make you feel insecure about your body if you feel compared to unrealistic body types. While your partner’s porn-watching might make you feel insecure, it could also be true that their insecurities are driving them. It will help to find out whether they are watching recreationally or as a coping mechanism to deal with their own issues.”

Some people watch porn as a result of feeling isolated and a difficulty in getting close to people, she adds. “Naturally, this can lead to further alienation from partners. So, it helps to know what drives your partner to watch porn.

“In 2016, the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported that 75.5% of porn users are recreational and watch an average of 24 minutes a week, 12.7% are ‘highly-distressed’ non-compulsive viewers who watch 17 minutes a week, and 11.8% are compulsive viewers who watch 110 minutes a week.

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“Recreational users are mainly women – who report higher sexual satisfaction and less dysfunction and avoidance – and compulsive viewers are mostly men. Solitary users are more likely to be in the distressed category – which is associated with more sexual dysfunction, avoidance and less satisfaction.”

Should we talk about it? 

If it worries or affects you, then yes. “This is why you need to have a conversation: to know why your partner is watching porn alone and how that will affect your relationship. For instance, if your partner is using porn to deal with a sense of isolation, it risks creating further disconnection.

“Reassure your partner that you are not shaming them but seeking to understand them. You can both express what emotions are coming up for you around the porn-watching, what is leading to these feelings and how you can both address them,” she says.

“Ask them what they are watching and why, in a non-judgmental way. If it is a compulsion, what are they using it to cope with? What feelings are they trying to soothe or numb? Perhaps because of attachment issues, might they subconsciously be trying to create a ‘safe’, virtual relationship that requires no connection or work? Is your partner protecting themselves from intimacy by creating this distance?

“Those trying to break from compulsive porn-watching often say the main reason is to get their sex lives back. High levels of stimulation in porn can lead to a lower arousal levels, eventually causing less satisfactory sex in the real world.

“Discuss what you both want in a sexual relationship. And while you have the choice whether to watch porn or not, without being shamed either way, some couples find that watching porn together enhances their sex lives. But you need to feel connected and included.”

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The US actress, 28, known for the blockbuster Dune films and teenage series Euphoria, has been linked to Holland since 2021 after starring opposite each other in Spider-Man: Homecoming.

When asked if it was odd working together with her boyfriend, she told Vanity Fair: “Not really… It’s actually strangely comfortable. It’s like second nature, if anything.”

She added: “You feel extra safe with the person you’re acting beside.

“I love working with him. He’s so talented, and so passionate about what he does.

“He always gives things 1,000%, even if he’s absolutely worn down. I really appreciate that about him.”

Zendaya says them acting together “feels pretty normal”, as “that’s how we met, literally, at a chemistry read”.

They starred alongside each other in the last three Spider-Man films, Holland as the titular hero while Zendaya has played his love interest MJ (Michelle Jones-Watson).

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Holland made his stage debut in Billy Elliot The Musical in 2008, and has gone on to star in a West End production of Shakespeare’s Romeo And Juliet.

He is also known for science fiction film Chaos Walking, horror The Devil All The Time, and crime movie Cherry.

Zendaya has been in The Greatest Showman, the two Denis Villeneuve-directed Dune movies and Challengers, as well as playing the lead role of recovering addict Rue on the popular HBO show Euphoria.

She will return as Rue in series three, which began production earlier this year.

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Millions of children are from separated and divorced families – and in many cases, that means Christmas can become a battleground, as they’re caught between warring parents who want the kids to spend the festive period with them.

“Parents can sometimes use Christmas as a way of getting back at each other in having some time with the children,” says Sarah Hawkins, chief executive of National Family Mediation.

“That’s really an unfortunate position for children to be in, when they want to see both parents over that lovely Christmas period.”

So, what is the best way for separated parents to negotiate the festive period and avoid conflict, so everyone enjoys some festive cheer? Hawkins and other experts share their top advice…

1. Plan well

“Plan ahead,” advises Hawkins, who says this may mean creating a schedule and trying to agree on things in advance. “Then you’ll both know where you stand and what things you’ll be attending when you have your children, to try and avoid arguments right up to what’s supposed to be a really nice period for them.”

2. Do your best to communicate calmly

As with most things in life, communication is key – no matter how much you dislike your ex partner.

Elizabeth Coe, chief executive of the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC) points out that the charity offers a free ‘Parenting Plan Template’ on their website, to help parents navigate co-parenting effectively, focusing on the children’s wellbeing.

“Family breakdown can be deeply distressing for everyone involved, but especially for the children and young people,” says Coe. “Communication is key, and the ‘Parenting Plan’ is a useful tool which encourages respectful communication between both parents.

“Talking to each other about what would work best for the children and you over Christmas is essential,” she adds. “A pre-agreed solution helps to avoid conflict nearer the time, when emotions may be running high.”

3. Consider taking Christmas in turns

Parents might agree to take it in turns to spend the day, or the Christmas period, with their children every other year. “This enables children to experience the festivities with each parent on alternate years,” says Coe.

And Hawkins adds: “Share the Christmas period and make sure it’s fair, but also think ahead for the following year, knowing that if the child has gone to dad this year, they’re going to be with mum next year. Just make sure it’s firmly set for them, and the children know exactly what’s going on.”

4. Hold an alternate Christmas

Graham Porter, a trustee at the Association for Shared Parenting, explains that when his daughter was young, he held a second Christmas for her at his home, after she’d spent actual Christmas with her mother.

“My solution was to let the mother have a complete week at Christmas, and she regarded that as a victory,” he says.

“I then laid on a second Christmas over a week at New Year, complete with a stocking and a party. It worked very well. My daughter, who’s now 32, went to school boasting that she had two Christmases, and coping with her absence on Christmas Day was no problem – I simply looked forward to her week with me.”

5. Try to compromise

Coe says: “Making plans requires an element of compromise and we would encourage parents to think about a solution which works best for the children involved.”

However, Porter points out: “At best, the parents can agree without fuss, which is always in the best interests of the children. Sadly, of course, because of the animosity between the parties, that isn’t always possible – but they should always act in the best interests of the child.”

6. Don’t promise what you can’t give

Parents want to give their child everything they can at Christmas – perhaps sometimes to get one-up on their ex. But it’s vital to be realistic, and not to let a child think they’ll be getting or doing something you can’t actually afford/provide, stresses Hawkins.

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“Avoid over-promising,” she advises. “Make those decisions between yourselves before you inform the children of exactly what’s going to be happening, so they’re not left feeling that one parent doesn’t care about them.”

7. Try family mediation

Hawkins says mediation works in a number of ways, including giving parents examples of scenarios, to pull them away from their own situation and help them view things as the children see them.

There’s also child-inclusive mediation, which gives children a voice and chance to speak to a mediator. “They have an opportunity to be honest and open up about the situation, and that information is fed back to the parents,” Hawkins says. “It can be really impactful for the parents when they hear what their children are going through, because a lot of the time, children just don’t feel in a position to be able to say it directly to their parents.”

8. Plan presents between you

What presents you aim to give your children needs to be included in your plan, suggests Hawkins. She says parents need to decide between themselves if they’re still going to give presents together, or if they’re going to set a spending limit.

“Make sure it’s all about communication around Christmas,” she stresses. “Parents do use the present buying as a way to gain favour, but in the long-run, that’s not helpful to the child. You need to be thinking about boundaries and making sure your children know exactly what things are worth and are aware, where possible, that you’re still co-parenting.”

9. Don’t make the children go to two Christmas dinners

Hawkins says children from separated families having two dinners on Christmas Day happens a lot. “That’s usually where we would push the parents to sit down and think about the impact it’s had on their child, and then consider mediation so it doesn’t happen again,” she says.

“The feedback we get from parents that have been through mediation is it calms everything down, and they see how settled their children are. It’s all about thinking about your children and knowing when to ask for help.”

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Jennifer Lopez has said women “hide” their struggles from their children as she spoke about starring in a new film at a London screening event.

The American actress, 55, attended the event for biopic Unstoppable, produced by Artists Equity – a company owned by her former partner Ben Affleck and his friend Matt Damon, at Cineworld Leicester Square.

Lopez plays Judy Robles, who became a mother at 16 when she gave birth to Anthony Robles (Jharrel Jerome), who was born without one leg and went on to become a wrestling champion and author.

At the screening, she told a question and answer event that she first thought Judy was a “smaller character” in the story, until she met her and realised the story was about both Anthony and his mother.

Lopez added that the film is “very relatable” for women going through “challenging relationships”.

“I think a lot of women have gone through that, and she (Judy) and I talked a lot,” she added.

“We got to know each other. I wanted her to really feel safe with me (while) sharing details, because as great as the story is, without the struggle, that’s what makes it great.”

Lopez also said: “There was a whole different story there that she was living, that you hide from your children, you protect your children from that.

“But I thought it was really, really important to not just play the mom who the kids knew, but to play the woman who raised these children and where she found her own strength and her own struggles, and was able to put that and make sure her children… benefited from her life experience, as opposed to being brought down by the things that she was struggling with.

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“And for me, it was just a full, beautiful character to play, and I really enjoyed kind of losing myself and… I didn’t want anybody to see me in it. I wanted them to see Judy in it.”

The Robles family also attended the screening.

Lopez smiled on the red carpet for the screening, in a white fluffy jacket and halter neck dress, along with matching white clutch bag.

Lopez backed Kamala Harris for president over Donald Trump, and she posted an Instagram story on the day sharing opening hours for polling in each state.

The singer and actress, with a Puerto Rican background, defended the US territory recently following comments made by a comedian at a rally for Mr Trump.

She said that Tony Hinchcliffe’s remarks about Puerto Rico remind us who former president Mr Trump “really is and how he really feels”, and added: “It wasn’t just Puerto Ricans that were offended that day, it was every Latino in this country, it was humanity and anyone of decent character.”

Lopez previously attended the premiere of Unstoppable at the Toronto International Film Festival after filing divorce proceedings, bringing an end to months of speculation over her marital status with 52-year-old Affleck.

They tied the knot in Las Vegas in July 2022 after rekindling their relationship following their high-profile split in 2004.

Lopez has two children with her former husband, salsa singer Marc Anthony, and has been married four times.

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This article is from The Conversation. It represents the author’s views alone, not those of The Female Lead.

This article contains discussion of sex and violence.

An act seemingly once confined to bondage and “kink” communities has become mainstream. Despite the many risks to health (including death), sexual choking is now popular, even commonplace, particularly among young people.

Sexual choking is a more informal label for strangulation. It involves the grabbing, holding or compression of another’s neck either by hands, or limb, or by use of a prop or weapon, and typically involves restriction of blood or air flow. When it is used as part of a sexual encounter, it is frequently referred to as “erotic asphyxiation” or “breath play”.

In a 2016 survey of Americans aged 18-60 years, 21.4% of women who had sex with men had been choked. And one in five men admitted to choking a partner (male or female) during sex.

An Australian study from this year found that more than half of 18- to 35-year-olds reported they had been strangled during sex at least once. A similar proportion admitting to strangling a partner at least once. Though strangling is common among both men and women, evidence shows that women are more likely to be strangled and men more likely to do the strangling.

Separate research suggests strangulation has become so normalised that many do not consider it to be a form of rough or violent sex at all. A 2019 survey found only around a third of participants considered choking to be rough sexual behaviour. Most considered hair pulling, being pinned down, biting, being tied up and slapping as rough sexual behaviour.

While there have not been many studies on the prevalence of choking until recently, researchers and campaigners have reported that young people are talking about the practise more in recent years.

According to a 2022 study that surveyed American university students, those who report enjoying being strangled cited a high from the experience – a feeling of euphoria – that heightens sexual pleasure.

People give various reasons for engaging in sexual strangling, including wanting to be kinky or adventurous, believing it would please their partner, and feelings of power and dominance. But campaigners point out that the often gendered nature of strangulation can feed into wider patterns of coercion and control of women by men.

Although sexual choking appears to be increasingly common, it is not necessarily wanted by those engaging in or receiving it. A significant proportion of women, in particular, do not consent to being choked, even if the rest of the encounter is consensual.

A survey for the BBC in 2019 found that in a study of 2,000 young women aged 18–39, 38% had experienced unwanted slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during otherwise consensual sex. And a similar proportion of men admit to choking or strangling a partner during sex without their consent.

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Normalising strangulation

The act of strangulation has become increasingly normalised and sexualised. The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, a worldwide bestseller, was widely criticised by feminist campaigners, academics and domestic abuse charities for eroticising strangulation and making it socially acceptable. The recent Netflix-produced films Lady Chatterley’s Lover and Obsession also contain strangulation during sex scenes, which are presented as part of a love story.

A 2020 investigation by the Times found hundreds of images of sexualised choking and strangulation on Pinterest, Instagram and Tumblr. The images included pictures of young women being pinned down and strangled by men, women with gags over their mouths and children being gripped by the throat.

Social media hashtags promoting these images include #Daddy, #ChokingKink, #BreathPlay and #Strangle. Disturbingly, the investigation found hypersexualised tags and descriptions accompanying many of these images, including one which said “bruise my oesophagus”.

Pornography has also played a role in eroticising strangulation, as part of a wider normalisation of violent sex. And research has found links between people seeing choking depicted in pornography and engaging in it themselves.

In TV, books, social media or pornography, it is almost always men strangling women. Similarly, the evidence on real life sexual choking shows this is a practice more often done by men to women.

The creep of strangulation into legitimate and normalised behaviour makes it more difficult for women to escape (and avoid) violent relationships. This normalisation leads many women to feel like they cannot speak up about nonconsensual choking.

In her recent book exploring rough sex, journalist Rachel Thompson highlights that women feel refusing to participate or responding to non-consensual choking could reflect negatively on them as sexual partners.

Risky behaviour

Regardless of consent, strangulation is associated with a range of health risks. These include loss of consciousness, loss of voice, difficulty in swallowing or breathing, bruising, redness, haemorrhages, headaches, depression, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and death (including delayed death occurring days or weeks after the strangulation).

Strangulation has traditionally been viewed as a violent act and has long been recognised as assault in criminal law. A growing number of homicides of women by men involve claims that the death was an accident resulting from “rough sex” gone wrong.

Strangulation or asphyxiation is a leading cause in many of these cases, and in some, reference has been made to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy as the inspiration for engaging in what is alleged to have been consensual sexual choking.

England and Wales have recently introduced a new offence of non-fatal strangulation as part of domestic abuse legislation, which police appear to be actively using. But the law alone isn’t enough to change the normalisation of this dangerous act.

Some advocates for safe BDSM practice have suggested that breath play can be done safely if there is clear consent, proper boundaries and certain rules are followed. But clinicians, academics and parliamentarians have argued there is no safe way to choke someone.

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With performers Denise Van Outen and Lee Mead as parents, it’d be easy to think 14-year-old Betsy Mead was destined for a showbiz career.

But although she’s got a “lovely” singing voice, her mum – Essex-born actress, singer and presenter Van Outen – says her daughter has no idea what career path she wants to follow yet, and she doesn’t intend to push her into anything she doesn’t really want.

“I was born with jazz hands, because I practically came out of the womb in the splits,” says Van Outen, 50, who is now also known for appearances on Celebrity Gogglebox and her work as a DJ.

“My career path was pretty much set in stone from a really young age, because I was one of those all-singing, all-dancing kids. So I ended up doing the whole drama school route and never really questioned what I wanted to do for a career.

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“But my daughter, she’s a different personality. She’s got different likes, different interests, so who am I to force upon her what she should do as her career?”

Like most parents, Van Outen – who met Betsy’s dad, theatre star Lee Mead, in 2007 when he won the TV talent competition Any Dream Will Do, on which she was a judge (they married in 2009 but eventually split in 2013) – wans her daughter to discover her own passions in life.

“It would be very easy for me to just say, do what I do and what your dad does, but that may not be the right thing for her,” she continues. “Betsy still doesn’t really know what she wants to do, and I’ve never pushed her into it, because I was thinking – am I limiting her ability and opportunity to do something else that she may really love? You’ve got to think for them, what do they want to do? What’s their passion?”

That’s why rather than feeling “overwhelmed and panicked” about advising her teenager on the multitude of educational courses and career options available, Van Outen has teamed up with Talking Futures on a campaign highlighting what’s on offer to young people these days.

She’s made a short film to accompany it, which addresses how parents’ own experiences of their time at school could be limiting their child’s future options.

“Being a mum to a 14-year-old, this is very relevant to my life at the moment – not just to me, but all my friends that’ve got kids of a similar age,” says Van Outen. “Not every kid knows what they want to do, and I think a lot of us come from a generation where we don’t really know how to advise our kids about career paths, and you can get a bit panicked and a bit overwhelmed by everything.”

Recent research by Talking Futures, which helps parents talk to their 11-18-year-olds about education and career options, found more than half (58%) of parents admit they don’t fully understand the range of qualifications now available, with 29% believing university degrees are the only way for their teens to be successful.

Yet these days there’s a range of new options for young people – from T-levels, which include industry placements, to apprenticeships in a huge variety of professions, such as paralegal, paramedic or even counter-fraud investigation.

The research also found 70% of parents feel overwhelmed by the difference in courses and qualifications available today compared to when they were at school, with 61% admitting they don’t always know how best to guide their kids when it comes to their future options.

“The campaign is taking pressure off parents and helping them open up conversations with their children about where they can go,” says Van Outen. “Then they can say: ‘Look, have you thought of this? Think outside the box a little bit – you don’t have to do what we as parents do and follow our footpath, there are other opportunities for you’.

“Sometimes you’re not really aware of what those opportunities are, and that’s why I like this campaign, because there’s a place to go where you can get advice and understand a bit more about what’s on offer,” she adds. “So it takes that pressure off of feeling completely overwhelmed, not just for the parents but for the kids as well.”

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She explains that their daughter has dyslexia and has sat back a year at school after she didn’t get the specialist support she needed during the lockdowns.

“She missed out on a lot of her education because she couldn’t have the help that she needed online, when everyone was doing home-schooling,” says Van Outen. “That’s the other thing that’s come into play, and that’s why she’s sort of panicking.”

A showbusiness career might not be completely off the cards, though. As Van Outen adds proudly: “She actually has got a really good singing voice, a lovely voice, and she does singing at school. She said she doesn’t know if that’s what she wants to do as a career, but she’s got a natural gift there.

“I’ve said to her – you’ve got to just do the thing you feel really passionate about. Something else, another opportunity, could present itself to her. She may end up working in showbusiness, but I don’t know.

“That’s the easy option, really, for me to say do that, because it’s what I did. But I think I’d like for her to have her eyes opened as well, and explore a bit further and see what else she could do.”

The broadcaster – who recently finished filming the second series of the Channel 4 supermarket show Secrets Of… and is currently working on various projects, including running a DJ business with a friend – says she’s been a single parent for most of Betsy’s life. However, she stresses: “I’ve got brilliant relationship with her dad, and he’s a really good dad.

“But because it’s just been me and Betsy a lot of the time on our own, we have a really good, solid relationship, which is lovely, and I do feel like it gives me the opportunity to sit and have conversations with her.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s a bit more tricky now, because like all teenagers, she likes to be in her bedroom away from me, but I grab those moments when I can and try and have these conversations with her, because I think it’s really important.

“And even if you’re not taking action about career paths at this stage, at 14, at least you’re planting a seed, which I also think is really important.”

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By Martin Graff, Senior Lecturer in Psychology of Relationships, University of South Wales.

This article is from The Conversation. It represents the author’s views alone.

Does the effort you invest in seeking a romantic partner intensify as summer ends? During the colder, darker months, people have been known to engage in “cuffing season”, which means attaching yourself to or having a physical relationship with someone just for the cold winter months.

You know this is not going to be a long-term thing. “Cuffing” is a metaphor for wanting to be attached to someone for a period of time. In the northern hemisphere at least, such behaviour might begin around October and end close to Valentine’s Day. Dating apps such as Bumble and Hinge have reported that October and November often sees a surge in new profiles and messaging activity.

In our evolutionary past, cuffing may have been necessary for survival. The winter months are cold and dark, and it would have been adaptive for our ancestors to seek out the company of others to keep them warm and safe, over a period when they could perish from exposure, or be more vulnerable to attack from predators. The company of others would have provided warmth, and possibly someone to help protect them.

Cuffing behaviour might also be explained, at least for men, by a variation in testosterone levels. These tend to be lower in the months with the highest temperatures and most daylight, and higher in the winter months. This increase in men’s testosterone levels during the winter months might cause an increase in effort to seek out the company of a sexual partner.

Polish researchers Buguslaw Pawlowski and Piotr Sorokowski have noted that men’s judgements of female attractiveness varied seasonally. In their 2008 study, 114 heterosexual men who were asked to assess the attractiveness of women’s photographs over different seasons. The photographs featured waist-hip ratio variations of women in swimming suits, photos of female breasts and photos of average-looking faces of women. The researchers found changes in male preferences for body shape and breast attractiveness across the seasons, although there was no change in men’s ratings of female faces.

The men gave the highest attractiveness scores in the winter, with the lowest scores being given in the summer, so they were more likely to think of someone as attractive in winter compared to summer. The researchers speculated that this could be because in the summer or warmer months, men habituate to seeing women’s uncovered bodies more than in the winter, and accordingly give lower attractiveness ratings at this time of year.

Cuffing could also be associated with a need for touch. Affectionate touching such as hugging or holding hands generally lowers cortisol secretion for both sexes (associated with high blood pressure and irritability) but increases the release of oxytocin (the hormone associated with bonding). When our body releases oxytocin we feel more relaxed, happy, and generally experience a better mood.

In addition, cuffing may quite simply be explained by the fact that during the winter months we are more likely to attend parties and visit friends, for Thanksgiving (if you live in the US), Christmas and New Year, and this increased social interaction increases our chances of meeting others.

A subliminal thing

People may not be aware that their relationship-seeking behaviour changes over the winter months, and simply follow instinct. It is possible that the popularity of dating apps may have increased the prevalence of cuffing season. A July 2024 paper suggested people tend to “gamify” dating apps, pushing users to make the most number of matches rather than pursue meaningful connections. This in turn may lead to more cuffing behaviour.

Remember that if you have decided to pursue a winter romance, consider what happens after the cuffing season. Do you have plans with your cuffing partner after the winter? Did you experience a sense of urgency in getting together with your cuffing partner? There is of course no reason why your cuffing relationship should not develop into a long-term relationship beyond the spring. But it may help protect yourself or your partner from disappointment if you’re upfront about what you want.

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Santander UK has issued a warning after nearly £4 million was reported as stolen from the bank’s customers through romance scams over the past six months.

Romance scammers will manufacture all sorts of fictional stories, promises, and crises designed to get their victims to send them money.

The bank revealed that victims were aged between 18 and 93, highlighting that adults of all ages are targeted by fraudsters.

In total, £3,813,410 was lost to romance scams between March and August this year – marking a 27% jump compared with the previous half-year period – and the average loss per Santander UK customer was around £4,500.

But what early warning signs should we look out for to avoid being drawn into this deception?

Too much, too soon

If someone is telling you that they love you after a few days of chatting online, it might be too good to be true.

“If someone expresses intense feelings very quickly or starts talking about love or a future together before you’ve even met in person, be cautious,” advises Simon Newman, CEO of the Online Dating and Discovery Association and advisory council member of International Cyber Expo. “Scammers often use emotional manipulation to fast-track the relationship.”

Avoiding face-to-face meetings

Scammers will usually avoid face-to-face meetings to maintain their deception and to keep communication going.

“Scammers often make excuses for why they can’t meet in person or video chat,” warns Newman. “If they repeatedly dodge plans to meet, this could be a red flag.”

Strange or vague background

Fraudsters often cultivate long distance relationships to protect their identity.

“Be wary of people who have unusual or suspicious stories, like claiming to be a military officer stationed overseas, a contractor working in a remote area, or someone constantly travelling for business,” says Newman.

Request for financial help

Requests for money is a major red flag.

“Scammers may claim they have a financial emergency, such as a sick relative, a sudden job loss, or a business crisis and ask for your help,” explains Newman. “Never send money to someone you’ve met online, especially via wire transfer or gift cards, which are difficult to trace.”

Suspicious images

It’s normal to want to trust someone you’re getting to know, but remember to verify their identity.

“Use reverse image searches on their profile pictures to see if they appear elsewhere online, especially on scammer warning websites,” advises Newman. “Be cautious of anyone who has limited or no digital footprint beyond the dating site.”

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Actress and socialite Poppy Delevingne has suggested that the “stigma” of becoming a divorcee was the reason her marriage to businessman James Cook did not end sooner.

The 38-year-old, who is the sister of Cara Delevingne, tied the knot with Mr Cook at St Paul’s Church in Kensington, London, in a 2014 ceremony with a star-studded guestlist.

The two then ended the marriage nearly a decade later.

Delevingne told the Origins With Cush Jumbo podcast that they “will always have a good relationship”.

She added: “There’s a lot of love and respect there. It just no longer worked for us.

“I met him when I was 20 years old and 15 years is a long time and I think 15 years to be with someone is a success and sometimes these things just have to come to an end but even so within that, when it did end, that feeling, it was this sort of like bubbling up of freedom.

“And I think I’ve said this to you before, I felt sort of 20 all over again.”

Delevingne explained that she now feels “fully independent”, and “every decision” is hers.

When asked about stigma associated with divorce, she said: “I couldn’t really believe, yes, and I think that’s why it should have probably ended earlier than it did, and I think one of the reasons why it didn’t is because of that stigma, which is extraordinary.

“I’m quite sad, actually, that we should feel that there’s such a thing about it, that, god she’s divorced, damaged goods, no one’s going to want you.”

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She added: “Especially women in their late thirties who haven’t had a baby … It’s not easy to make that kind of a decision. It’s not by any stretch.

“And I think within that, you have to have courage. You’ve got to love yourself, put yourself first, and you’ve got to be happy. We have one shot at life. Oh my god, I chose happiness. I chose me. ”

Delevingne, who appeared in Kingsman: The Golden Circle and Riviera, and has reportedly dated Prince Constantine Alexios of Greece and Denmark, also said the label of being a socialite “completely undermines anything of any worth that I’ve ever done”.

She added: “They want to take me down a peg or two and it’s so frustrating because what even is that? What is a socialite?”

Origins With Cush Jumbo is released on Tuesday.

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“I feel like I’m either an amazing mum, and have turned up to every play date and have managed to remember every non-uniform day, or I feel like I’m bossing it at work,” the singer and TV host, 35, said.

“Anybody that tells you they’ve got balance is lying because it’s really hard to grasp.

“We’re just winging it and trying our best to make sure we tick every box. But with balance – if anyone has the answer to that then please call me!”

The former member of The Saturdays shares three children – Alaia-Mai, 11, Valentina Raine, seven, and Blake, three – with her DJ husband Marvin, 39, who rose to fame in British boy band, JLS.

She added that working as a team has allowed both of them to shine in their careers.

“When Marvin was in the jungle [for I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!] for example, I knew that those weeks were going to be a write-off,” she said.

“We always say that we both can’t always shine at once, so we just try and give each other those moments when we can.”

At times when they are both busy filming – such as this March when they were recording and co-hosting the seventh season of BBC One’s The Hit List game show in Glasgow – Rochelle’s mum, Roz Wiseman, has been a “lifeline”.

The presenter explained: “We’re really lucky with my mum, she’s a bit of a lifeline. My mum is a well-oiled machine – she is always like, ‘What date am I in? What date am I out’?”

The glamorous couple tied the knot at Blenheim Palace in 2012, but more than a decade on, they still try to organise date nights to keep the spark alive.

Marvin explained: “We try and do date nights when we can, and go to Ibiza in August, just the two of us, for a few nights. I always say, we are husband and wife first and our relationship is the most important thing.

“Obviously, our children are paramount in our lives as well, but we never want to lose sight of the two of us as a couple, because there are so many distractions – we get pulled left, right, centre, up and down, individually and collectively.”

They said working together on The Hit List is a lot of fun but can be a logistical nightmare in terms of family life.

“The benefits are obviously that it is easy for us, we know and trust each other and can be honest,” said Rochelle. “It’s a very different dynamic when somebody is so close to you.

“But I think the downsides are when we were doing stuff together, logistically it’s a little bit more of a nightmare for us with home life and the kids. Everything has to be a bit militant behind the scenes.”

Marvin grew up watching an array of iconic game shows, such as Wheel Of Fortune and Strike It Lucky, and believes The Hit List’s longevity is down to its breadth of music.

“Aside from the gameplay, I think the show is a success because it spans so many genres and decades of music, so everybody can feel like at some point there is going to be something that they’re going to know the answer to,” he said.

Their kids also love the show and often recreate it at home.

“We do Disney and Little Mix rounds at home,” said Rochelle. “I think they are getting to the age now where they actually understand that that is us at work.

“I remember at Alaia’s parents evening, her teacher said that she overheard Alaia saying to one of her friends, ‘What channels are your mummy and daddy on?’ She just thought that everybody’s parents were on the telly!

“I think now they realise that it is a little bit different and quite cool.”

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“It’s getting that balance,” says the mum-of-two and former Byker Grove star, who later had roles in Waterloo Road and Casualty. “And I will often say to my clients – I’m not saying don’t be a nice person or don’t be kind, because you will still be those things.

“To be honest – and it doesn’t have to be a gendered thing, but I work predominantly with women – most women have a nurturer inside of them that will show up even if we put all the boundaries in the world in place for them, they’ll still be really decent people.”

What it does mean, however, is that you’ll have a greater chance of creating a life you love. One where you’re making decisions based on what you really want, rather than acting out of a sense of obligation all the time and then not feeling great about it.

“You can people-please, or you can create a life that you really love – you can’t have both in reality,” says Matthews, 39.

“And I think when you can get enough of what you like about life, you’ve got more room to do the nice stuff, without it feeling like you’re not showing up for yourself or you’re letting yourself down, and that you’re not doing it with resentment.

“It’s an uncomfortable truth, but people think people-pleasing is this selfless thing. But if we people-please all the time, we actually become – and it’s awful to say it, because it’s not the motivation – we become liars and let-downs. Because we’re spreading ourselves too thin, and we’re not being our true selves.

“We’re giving this shiny, polished version of ourselves, but it doesn’t match what we feel internally, so we end up feeling disconnected from everybody.”

Matthews has always been interested in mindset and what makes us tick as people. Just 11 when she joined the cast of Nineties BBC teen drama Byker Grove – where she’d give speeches to pals in the greenroom about how “life is not a dress rehearsal and we need to get our s*** together” – she also pursued singing, modelling and presenting, eventually starting a coaching business after becoming a mum to daughters Brooke, now 13, and Texas, now 11.

In 2014, life took a major turn for the family when her husband, Ross Blair, was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He died in 2017, leaving Matthews a widow at 33. She launched The Happy Me Project just months later, growing her self-development platform and offerings as she navigated grief and single parenthood. Her first book (The Happy Me Project: The No-Nonsense Guide To Self-Development) was published in 2022.

One of her key goals is to “simplify” self-development, empowering people – particularly women – to find their confidence, without over-complicating things.

“My focus is on supporting people, especially people who really don’t understand this stuff. I like to simplify things. I want to make things low-hanging fruit, especially when people are going through difficult times. Because what we don’t need is being talked down to or given some big, long-winded ideas of how to fix ourselves,” she says.

“We don’t need to fix ourselves anyway. And I think the more we can simplify stuff and give people tools, the happier people will be, and the more compassion we can give ourselves.”

Healing is also a key theme for Matthews, and “helping people to recognise that they’re not broken”. There can often be an expectation when we start out with any sort of therapy, coaching or self-development efforts, that we’ll reach a point of being ‘sorted’.

But as Matthews highlights, there is no “certificate” at the end of it where they can say: “That’s me done, I’m a fully functioning adult now with no issues! That would be nice, but I think we’re always evolving,” she adds. “And we’ll get to a point where maybe we’ve done a lot of work around [a certain thing], and we’ll think – OK, I’ve got this sussed a bit now, and then something else will happen and we will shift and change.

“I’ve had that continuously, and I think one of the important things to remember is that what helped you at one point in your life, whatever strategy you used, isn’t going to work forever. You will shift and change, and acknowledging that we need to shift is important.”

In terms of her own big shifts, Matthews says: “When I was the kid on the TV and being an actor, I needed a level of armour, bravado and fake confidence, I guess, to support me with that stuff. When my husband was going through brain cancer, I needed to be hardy, there was a level that I needed to keep going, and that served me.

“But in this new stage of my life, I really recognised, certainly after Ross died, that having that armour up wasn’t serving me at all, because it made me feel like I was always in a fight, and my nervous system wasn’t feeling good about that. I had to do a lot of work on stripping back some of that stuff and recognising that in this new stage, it’s OK, and it’s safe to be vulnerable, it’s safe to let go, it’s safe to not be perfect, whatever that looks like. It’s safe to be messy and imperfect, and actually, that will serve you better.”

Being diagnosed with ADHD around five years ago also helped her understand herself better.

“Something I would say to anybody, neurotypical or neurodivergent, is learn about your brain – learn what makes you tick, learn what triggers you, learn the things that support you. Play around with those things, get ideas, whether it’s from therapy, a coach or books, get ideas and experiment and be the detective of your own brain, and then work out some ideas [that work for you], instead of being in your fight in your own brain.”

Previously, Matthews says she would try and “hide all of the traits of ADHD and neurodivergence, and when I did that, everything was harder. Now I don’t do that, it’s much easier”.

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In typically direct fashion, TOWIE star Georgia Kousoulou confesses that she didn’t take to motherhood quite as she expected.

“When I became a mum I lost my identity a bit,” the reality show star reveals in her first book, I Wish I Knew, written after the birth of her son Brody, which charts her journey to motherhood and how she found herself again, offering advice on what she has learned along the way.

She dreaded nights and the prospect of 2am feeds, struggled to connect with her baby, and felt incredibly lonely.

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But Kousoulou, 32, who is married to footwear entrepreneur Tommy Mallet, who she met on TOWIE, has found great solace through her 1.5 million Instagram followers, asking questions, and finding kindred spirits.

“I love Instagram. I’ve used it as a tool to connect with people. I have a lot of questions and don’t know a lot of stuff, especially when it comes to (being a mum).

“I’d never changed a nappy before Brody. I used Instagram to ask for tips and it’s become a community. I say how I feel and maybe I’m a bit too honest, but then other mums have done the same and it’s become a lovely space.”

Happy snapshots of her life are played out on social media – cute pictures of Brody, her marriage to Mallet in December, out on the town with friends and family – but in the book she also charts the tougher times, her parents’ divorce, the panic attacks she suffered when she was on TOWIE, and the pressure her appearances on the show put on her body image, leading her to take up the gym obsessively.

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“I was 22 when I started TOWIE and I was very skinny back then, then I got obsessed with the gym, then it became like a competition in my head about who had the best body and who wanted to get the Daily Mail headline. You think you’ll get more work if you’re in the headlines,” says the reality star.

“I did any diet I could find. Every diet. I did diet pills, every one you could imagine… I would’ve done anything just to be skinny,” she writes.

Cosmetic surgery followed. Kousoulou had breast enhancements and a nose job – although she says she wanted her nose done before she appeared on the show.

“I grew up in a Greek and Irish household where a lot of people around me had their nose done. I knew as a young girl I didn’t like my nose, then when I went on TV I knew I definitely didn’t like it because I had to watch myself back. I didn’t like my angle. I couldn’t stand it.”

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When she finally had the surgery, she was trolled relentlessly, she recalls.

“I got so much slap for it. People called me Michael Jackson for about two years, so you can’t win with the trolls, can you?”

The taunts took a toll on her mental health, she agrees.

“It’s hard, you’re feeling s*** anyway, you’ve just had surgery and noses take a long time,” she recalls. Her surgeon told her it would take a full year to heal, but she started filming a month later even though her face hadn’t healed.

After seven years she left TOWIE in 2021 and has never looked back. Today, she’s an influencer and podcaster, stars in the ITVbe reality show Tommy & Georgia: Baby Steps, which charts the ups and downs of parenthood, and lives in an Essex mansion with her husband and son.

She says she is happier than she has ever been, and a lot of that has to do with being a mum to Brody.

In the book, she recalls her pregnancy, giving birth, the struggles of being a mother, mum guilt, baby loss – she had a miscarriage last year – trying for another baby, and how she is moving forward.

She miscarried at 12 weeks and says it was one of the most painful parts of the book to write, and happened while filming series four of their Baby Steps show. For some time afterwards, her main focus was to get pregnant again, but she is now trying to give herself a break.

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“It’s a lot of pressure. At the moment I’m just stopping all of the pressure and enjoying life again, because I think I got so lost in the process that I forgot to enjoy what I had in front of me.

“Trying for a baby is one of the worst things I’ve ever done. I didn’t have to try with Brody. With the second baby, which I lost, I got pregnant very quickly. I was very blessed to be pregnant twice so quickly.

“That’s affected me because I’m thinking, why hasn’t it happened a third time? But we’ve both had fertility checks and there’s nothing wrong with us, which is great to know.

“I feel like my body has gone into fight mode from a trauma. My body won’t allow me to get pregnant because I’m in trauma mode. I think the best thing for me to do is heal, get positive and just let it be.”

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She remains confident she will have more children, maybe three or four – the question for her is not if, but when.

Today, to help maintain good mental health she has a therapist. “I think it’s very important when you’re going through things that you have to talk. If I don’t talk I’ll go downhill.”

The daughter of a millionaire property developer, Kousoulou says she’s grateful to TOWIE for giving her the life she has now, but recognises the harm reality TV can inflict on some.

“Back then I was a bit more naïve, TOWIE was very new, there weren’t a lot of reality shows and now it’s just full of them. Now, young kids have grown up to say they want to do reality TV when they get older. To me that’s really sad.

“I love reality TV, but would I want Brody to do it? No, I wouldn’t, because it comes with a lot of pressure, and if it doesn’t work out for you, you then find yourself in a position of, what are you going to do now? And that can be hard on people’s mental health.

“I’ve been blessed and I’m very lucky that I’m still working. I’ve been in the industry for 10 years and that is rare now. People are going on these shows so quickly and then they are dropping. It can be damaging because one minute you’re high and then you’re low. And what do you do after that? It’s very hard.”

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She believes there is more mental health care in place for participants now, although she recalls: “I had a psych (psychotherapist) the whole way through TOWIE, especially when things happened to me, like I’d fall out with someone or they’d find out something has gone on in your home life.

“I think mental health is a priority. It has to be. It’s 2024.”

She hasn’t written off more reality TV for herself. She says she’d probably go to the jungle if she was asked: “I always do things that push me out of my comfort zone. But when you have a child you have to work out if it’s worth it. It is different now, because leaving Brody would have to be worth it for me.”

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